what are we more than flesh and bone, really?
what is the definition, the meaning of the concept that we all posses a soul, desires, essence of life? is there anything detaining, preventing it all from simply being an illusion…?
it’s these evenings i need to remember to always appreciate.
hot tea. REM playlist. 1984. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on mute in the background. vanilla candle. my winter hat.
give thanks to the little things in life. they make all the difference.
i’m a very emotional person… but, i keep guarded. i don’t show it very often (except on my blog LOLOL). when i do show it though… i always feel like i’m annoying everyone around me. which is why i rely on that barrier, why i refuse to let anyone in. whenever i let someone know how much i care, or appreciate them, i always feel like they are annoyed with me… or that they don’t care nearly as much about me as i do them.
it’s a terrible, awful feeling.
the absurd thing about life is just how illusive everything makes out to be. close your eyes, dive into the unforgiving abyss. now, open. what evokes your innermost thoughts? what is it that causes your senses to heighten to that dreamlike euphoria? just how thin is the line between reality and abstraction, or is it all unvaried…? let’s be rational here, how can we even know the difference?
sleep really isn’t on my agenda tonight.
i’m sick of doing the same goddamn thing all the time.
i’m staying up. i’m making music. i’m mulling over repressed memories. i’m missing you like hell. i’m sobbing. i’m watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. i’m planning. i’m singing. i’m documenting. i’m clinging to a distant voice that has more emphasis on my existence than anything else in the world.
my emotional and mental states are exceptionally frail at this point.
honestly, life just flies by.
if you happen to be younger than me, and you’re reading this. stop fucking existing day to day, doing nothing but exactly what you did the day before. stop getting so angry and impatient. stop hoping time will pass faster. because, soon you’re going to look back and wish you didn’t throw your childhood away. you have your entire life! live it up, babe!
this is incredibly hard for me to talk about… but i really need to get it off my chest.
the main reason i’m so alone, that i don’t have any friends or people in my life… is because i push everyone away. i always do it, sometimes without even realizing it. i don’t even know why exactly. perhaps because i don’t think i deserve anyone, or because i don’t want to get hurt. i get too attached, much too easy… so instead of getting attached at all i just turn my back. i know it makes people think i’m rude, a cold bitch… but, it’s not that at all. i’m scared, i’m depressed, i’m lonely. but, i just can’t stand to get close to anyone. and it’s killing me.
the waves of eternity are sweeping delicately over every inch of my being. as i breathe in the cold, merciless breeze of the ticking clock- my mind wanders. tumbling over, mulling every last second in time. what have i managed to let simply slip from my trembling fingers, my desperate grasp?
what if Death embodied a being? he would be tall; cryptic in an alarming, almost eerie fashion. or perhaps… he would be nothing but average. syndicating within us all, effortlessly shuffling along, unbeknown to anyone as being anything but another one. he knows all; or, he will come to know all. meeting every soul in a different approach, some distinct arrangement. he comes upon these plans in seconds, at times. other engagements, however, take much preparation. he carefully thinks out every last detail, to whereas it becomes almost a choir of perfectly hit notes leading to that fateful climax you both coincide. some welcome him, as an old friend. open arms, they allow him to slip them away into the darkness. others, however, continually battle him. thrashing and squirming in and out of his gentle grasp. the hatred and fear tainting their eyes as he finally allows them to rest; scooping them up and carrying them away into the abyss.
everything is whirling and contorting into an intangible wreck. something i will never be able to sort; it is beyond my understanding. and yet i stand here, gazing down at it all, with a kind of confoundment. as if, in time… i will achieve enlightenment. when it is as apparent as the azure abyss, i am lost. adrift an unforgiving sea. raging, surging, swallowing me whole.
i get too attached to people, much too easily.
i’ve tried to change this about myself, but it’s quite impossible.
the major issue with this trait is, everybody ends up leaving me.
and i never let it go.
